Mama's Got Fangs: Vampires You Wouldn't Want As Your Mother

Pulled from the pages of the Southern Vampire Mysteries and from HBO’s hit series, True Blood, News Bite has compiled a list of Fangers who make us all glad Vampires can’t reproduce.

Jessica Hamby

This baby Vamp’s inability to conceive has us all singing in the hills.

Her inability to behave, the constant whining and insistence to “kill something” leaves us all breathing a sigh of relief that she will not be producing. Granted, had she not been turned against her will, she may have one day made a wonderful Mother.

Raised by an overbearing and sometimes abusive, strict father, it is likely Jessica would have done anything to get away from her home. We predict she probably would have shacked up with the first man she could have and an unplanned pregnancy later, would have been trapped in a life she never wanted nor desired.

If you are going to be trapped in a life you don’t want, might as well have eternity to try and fix it, right?

Lorena Ball/Krasiki

It should come to no surprise to anyone that Bill’s former lover/Maker made this list.

Ruthless and savage, this Vampire’s own Maker couldn’t trust her. In fact, when she betrayed him, she had been caught with a half-drained child and blamed it on her Maker. If that doesn’t give you the warm and fuzzies, then you probably wouldn’t want this controlling and vile Vampire as your mother.

Fond of games and torture, one can only imagine that any child in her presence wouldn’t last long. It’s impossible to imagining Lorena placing a child in time out… any form of punishment she would inflict would surely be more than cringe-worthy to repeat.

Pam Ravenscroft

Pam is many things, fashion savvy, humorous, ruthless… just to name a few. Kid friendly is not one of these traits.

Her dislike for children radiates through with no hint of ever subsiding. One can only wonder where this dislike stems from. Perhaps it comes from the enjoyment of her freedom as a Vampire. Trapped in a lifestyle that was planned out for her, Pam’s transformation into a Vampire was truly a welcomed one.

Although a softer side of Pam is revealed in Dead Reckoning, her lack of maternal instinct and impatience with “teacups”, places her into this category. Although they would be well dressed, we aren’t sure Eric could deal with any “mini” Pams running around.

Sophie-Anne LeClerq (True Blood)

Queen Sophie-Anne LeClerq is a lot of things. Beautiful, powerful, ruthless, a “true” survivor… but maternal should never make this list.

As opposed to her more maternal counterpart from the “Southern Vampire Mysteries” series, True Blood’s Sophie-Anne is clearly not making the “Mother of the Year” list any time in the near future.

Selfish and proud, this Queen will stop at nothing to keep her “good name” (Yes, I somehow managed to choke that one out. It hurt.) and her position. This Vampire Queen would only have children if it suited her needs. If they weren’t able to further her cause (which of course is all about her), she has no desire to be “Mommy Dearest”.

Author’s Note: In SVM, Sophie-Anne’s gift is to be able to keep her Children with her. Though not a conventional mother, she proves to be adept at being a good Maker to those she sires as can be seen by the fact Andre, Sigebert and Wybert remain by her sides for centuries.